I believe I have finally understood myself, the root of my fear and insecurity. Recently, I have been reading "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius, which, to put it short, is a collection of his thoughts, ideas, and meditations. Marcus Aurelius never intended for anyone to see his writings, let alone for them to inspire an entire school of philosophy, "Stoicism." Aurelius writes about virtue, self-regulation, kindness, and acceptance of nature. I brought up this book because one line has greatly inspired me and offered a tremendous insight into my mind and what has troubled me since childhood. On page 61, he writes:
"Is someone afraid of change? Well, what can ever come to be without change? Or what is dearer or closer to the nature of the whole than change? Can you yourself take your bath if the wood that heats it is not changed? Can you be fed unless what you eat changes? Can any other of the benefits of life be achieved without change? Do you not see then that for you to be changed is equally necessary to the nature of the whole?
While the translation can be a little finicky to those less familiar with classical philosophy than I am, Aurelius argues here that fear of change is fear of nature. Life is surrounded by change; nature is an overwhelming force that cannot be overcome despite man's best efforts to do so. No matter who you are or where you are, we will all succumb to nature at the end of our lives and end up in the same position. Whether a prestigious aristocrat or a factory worker, we will all decompose in the dirt. And this is not a bad thing. My entire life, the idea of death has left me petrified; several nights completely awake due to the irrational fear of sleeping and never waking up, my struggles with hypochondriasis and the thought of being taken by a fierce illness, which left me paralysed and unable to interact with the world around me, all roots back to one thing, a fear of nature. A fear of lack of control and uncertainty, Aurelius argues that one must connect oneself with nature to overcome human life's countless anxieties and truly accept death and life. Aurelius emphasises the importance of God throughout this book, a critical point of disagreement between him and me. At the same time, I have always been sceptical of the existence of God and never found it easy to leave my fate in the hands of some omnipotent being I cannot see; Aurelius never struggled to do so. The point of this passage isn't to say one must embrace God, at least not in the traditional sense as I'd strongly disagree, but instead, one should embrace a "higher power", that higher power being nature. We can always see, touch, hear, and taste around us, rather than the intangible and divine God, who is of a simple and tangible nature.
I realise now that my anxieties stem from a lack of control; I have never been able to truly accept that I cannot dictate the course of my life, whether that's health, longevity, or interpersonal matters. I always struggled to accept that I could not do anything most of the time. Reading Meditations has allowed me to open my eyes; Aurelius suggests on page 65 that you should
"Observe the movement of the stars as if you were running their course with them, and let your mind constantly dwell on the changes of the elements into each other; such imaginings wash away the filth of life on the ground."
Once again, returning to the theme of observing nature, accepting it, and continuing the rest of your life without attempting to interfere with the untouchable. To demonstrate the importance of philosophy, I will begin implementing Aurelius' teachings into my daily life: forest bathing for at least an hour, watching the stars at night, and leaving behind what I cannot control. I will attempt to live In the present and embrace a life of stoicism. As someone who has struggled with obsessions and ruminating thoughts his entire life, this will be incredibly difficult. However, perseverance allows me to finally accept nature and make my peace with mortality. And I suggest that you, reader, do the same.
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